The other day I wore a white shirt to work that allowed my tatto to show through. I have a large image on the small of my back (the purple section). I've always maintained that it's not a "tramp stamp" because I got it before tattoos were trendy, but maybe I'm just deluding myself. Either way, this caught my eye and I had to laugh. Thursday, September 24, 2009
The other day I wore a white shirt to work that allowed my tatto to show through. I have a large image on the small of my back (the purple section). I've always maintained that it's not a "tramp stamp" because I got it before tattoos were trendy, but maybe I'm just deluding myself. Either way, this caught my eye and I had to laugh. 
Thursday, September 17, 2009
How did I become a farmer?
I have always resisted the urge to engage in mindless social networkign posts. I appreciate Twitter and I realize how useful and powerful it can be, but I'm not sure I need to know wheat my friends are having for lunch. I'm definitely sure I'm not going to take the time to type about what I'm eating.
Any yet... i have somehow gotten pulled into Farmville on Facebook. I don't even like it. I accepted the app so that my friends 11 year old son could have more "neighbors." It seemed harmless at the time. Now I have sheep and chickens and crops to take care of. I know that they're just pixels on a screen but I somehow feel obligated to take care of them.
It's confusing and not just a little disturbing. I'm still wondering how this happened. but I can''t spend too much time on it, I have to go take care of my sheep.
Any yet... i have somehow gotten pulled into Farmville on Facebook. I don't even like it. I accepted the app so that my friends 11 year old son could have more "neighbors." It seemed harmless at the time. Now I have sheep and chickens and crops to take care of. I know that they're just pixels on a screen but I somehow feel obligated to take care of them.
It's confusing and not just a little disturbing. I'm still wondering how this happened. but I can''t spend too much time on it, I have to go take care of my sheep.
Wrong, but funny
Alright, I know this is probably not politically correct, but damn its funny.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1920944
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1920944
Every silver lining comes with a cloud
Its been a while now since my last medication change and I have to say that I'm feeling much better. I made the mistake of trying to quit smoking which turned out to be a total didaster. Not only did I not manage it, I felt terrible for several days and I wanted to bite the heads off of almost everyone I came in contact with.
But, putting that behind me and deciding to try again another time I find myself reflecting on the fact that nothing good in life is free. I'm feeling better which of course means that there has to be something else wrong. I'm gaining weight. And not just a little. 15 pounds in the last 2 months. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I'm execising more and cutting back on sweets. Yesterday I ate a fairly health diet and walked over 3 miles. I gained 3 pounds. How does that even happen? 3 pounds in one day?
I guess I'ld rather be fat and happy, but just once it would be nice to get the good without the bad. A silver lining that comes with something better than a cloud.
But, putting that behind me and deciding to try again another time I find myself reflecting on the fact that nothing good in life is free. I'm feeling better which of course means that there has to be something else wrong. I'm gaining weight. And not just a little. 15 pounds in the last 2 months. It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I'm execising more and cutting back on sweets. Yesterday I ate a fairly health diet and walked over 3 miles. I gained 3 pounds. How does that even happen? 3 pounds in one day?
I guess I'ld rather be fat and happy, but just once it would be nice to get the good without the bad. A silver lining that comes with something better than a cloud.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Who Needs Pirates When You Have Pharmacies?
It seems like everyone today is on some sort of medication. We have pills for allergies, restless leg syndrome, ED, ADD, and every other syndrome you can think of. I personally take 4 different pills a day to manage my mental illness. Recently I had to change medications and through the good graces of my doctor I've been surviving on samples for over a month. Unfortunately, today I had to fill my 2 new prescriptions for the first time. To start with, I have good insurance. Well... at least I have good health insurance. My mental health policy leaves a lot to be desired, but that's a rant for another day. I've always been lucky enough to get generic versions of my medications but I was never lucky enough for them to actually work. My doctor has recently found a good combination for me and I'm feeling better than I have in years. I take extended release Effexor with an Abilify kicker. Doesn't sound too bad right? I certainly didn't think so until I saw that my 1 month supply was going to cost me over $100 with my insurance. Without insurace the total was nearing $450. I have to wonder whether the pharmaceutical companies are making this stuff out of gold. Over $200 for a month's supply? Perhaps if the dose was really high I could understand, but I'm only taking 2mg. Someone should tell the pirates that have been cropping up lately that they're in the wrong business. They should start selling pills. We have to take them... we have to pay. It's legal piracy on a global level. Il'd say that it made me sick, but I'm afraid they would just try to give me a pill for that too.
Everyone makes mistakes
So I just got done with my CRT appointment. It never ceases to amaze me how much you can learn about yourself during cognitive recognition sessions. I’ve been in and out of therapy for 15 years and I’ve never found a more effective method. Every visit brings new revelations about me as well as the reasons that I continue with self destructive behaviors.
Today I was dealing with the obsession that I have developed about my current financial troubles. I thought that the anxiety attacks that I was having were a direct response to pressure of being behind on my bills. And, in a way, that’s true. But the real thing that I was obsessing over was the sense of failure that I felt when I thought about how I ended up in this situation.
Truthfully the details are a bit inconsequential. I let a bad relationship control me and I made some really stupid decisions. I should have put a stop to the emotional abuse long before I did. But I kept on trying to buy a better relationship. I took out a home equity
Loan to help pay for our bills when he lost his job and by the end I had more unsecured debt than I make in a year.
But it’s not the money that I feel bad about. I have kept telling myself that I was too smart to end up making a mistake like that. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter how smart you are. Everyone is going to make mistakes. I have always been a very caring person and unfortunately there are bad people who will take advantage of that. I’m not saying that I couldn’t have made better choices, but I now realize that I must live with those decisions and that constantly punishing myself will neither repay the debt or help me recover.
My hat’s off to Dr. Husni. I’m not sure how I would make it through this rough time without her.
Today I was dealing with the obsession that I have developed about my current financial troubles. I thought that the anxiety attacks that I was having were a direct response to pressure of being behind on my bills. And, in a way, that’s true. But the real thing that I was obsessing over was the sense of failure that I felt when I thought about how I ended up in this situation.
Truthfully the details are a bit inconsequential. I let a bad relationship control me and I made some really stupid decisions. I should have put a stop to the emotional abuse long before I did. But I kept on trying to buy a better relationship. I took out a home equity
Loan to help pay for our bills when he lost his job and by the end I had more unsecured debt than I make in a year.
But it’s not the money that I feel bad about. I have kept telling myself that I was too smart to end up making a mistake like that. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter how smart you are. Everyone is going to make mistakes. I have always been a very caring person and unfortunately there are bad people who will take advantage of that. I’m not saying that I couldn’t have made better choices, but I now realize that I must live with those decisions and that constantly punishing myself will neither repay the debt or help me recover.
My hat’s off to Dr. Husni. I’m not sure how I would make it through this rough time without her.
My CRT Journal
From time to time I will be posting journal entries about the progress of my cognitive recognition therapy. You’ll find the insights and more often ramblings that come to me as I explore my own mind during my this process. I will be referring to multiple different sides of my personality by name here. This does not mean that I have multiple personality disorder. This is simply a way for me to identify the different sides of myself and how they help or hinder my recovery from depression.
So, let’s introduce the cast of characters.
Angel – One of the main personas, Angel is the protector. She’s who I become when I feel hurt or angry or scared. Angel is a product of some traumatic experiences and my 15 year struggle with mental illness. She’s also the most destructive or damaging side of myself. You’ll probably hear a lot about her.
Alice – As in go ask Alice. I’ve never even read it or know what it’s about, but for some reason that’s the name I identify with the damaged part of me. The part whose job it is to feel all of the pain for the others. No matter how many defenses you put up to keep out your depression someone still has to experience all the bad things that happen inside your head. That’s Alice.
The VEQ – A reference to the book Like People In History, VEQ stands for Very Efficient Queen. You know the type. My reaction to crisis, although usually other people’s, The VEQ (and yes you must say the “The” every time) is extremely organized and driven. I actually talk faster when I’m in this mode.
So, let’s introduce the cast of characters.
Angel – One of the main personas, Angel is the protector. She’s who I become when I feel hurt or angry or scared. Angel is a product of some traumatic experiences and my 15 year struggle with mental illness. She’s also the most destructive or damaging side of myself. You’ll probably hear a lot about her.
Alice – As in go ask Alice. I’ve never even read it or know what it’s about, but for some reason that’s the name I identify with the damaged part of me. The part whose job it is to feel all of the pain for the others. No matter how many defenses you put up to keep out your depression someone still has to experience all the bad things that happen inside your head. That’s Alice.
The VEQ – A reference to the book Like People In History, VEQ stands for Very Efficient Queen. You know the type. My reaction to crisis, although usually other people’s, The VEQ (and yes you must say the “The” every time) is extremely organized and driven. I actually talk faster when I’m in this mode.
Off to see the wizard
I’ve never been to a mental institution. In fact, I’ve always avoided them because I was afraid that I might not be let out. But now it seems that I am willingly going into an outpatient treatment program at the Central Florida Behavioral Health Center. It’s called Partial Hospitalization which as far as I can seem is sort of like day camp for the mentally ill.
Depression and whatever other mental disorders I have (take your pick) are a funny thing. It seems like sometimes they drain all of the hope out of you and you don’t even want to try to get better. They’ve readjusted my meds and I’m feeling pretty strong these days. I actually fought the insurance company to be able to go into the hospital.
But at times like this I can’t help but think of some of the destructive fantasies that caom with my illness. I’ve always remembered the scene in What Dreams May Come where the wife (forgive me I don’t remember her name) is in a mental hospital and Robin Williams goes to visit her. She’s sitting in a beautiful green garden wearing a bright green bathrobe. I always dreamed about how peaceful that would be. Somehow, I don’t think that my experience will be anything like that.
I start my treatment on Sept 21 and I have high hopes that it may help me cope with all of the challenges my mental illness causes. I’ll keep you all updated and post any interesting or useful things that I learn during my time there.
Depression and whatever other mental disorders I have (take your pick) are a funny thing. It seems like sometimes they drain all of the hope out of you and you don’t even want to try to get better. They’ve readjusted my meds and I’m feeling pretty strong these days. I actually fought the insurance company to be able to go into the hospital.
But at times like this I can’t help but think of some of the destructive fantasies that caom with my illness. I’ve always remembered the scene in What Dreams May Come where the wife (forgive me I don’t remember her name) is in a mental hospital and Robin Williams goes to visit her. She’s sitting in a beautiful green garden wearing a bright green bathrobe. I always dreamed about how peaceful that would be. Somehow, I don’t think that my experience will be anything like that.
I start my treatment on Sept 21 and I have high hopes that it may help me cope with all of the challenges my mental illness causes. I’ll keep you all updated and post any interesting or useful things that I learn during my time there.
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